The time has come: I'm staging an infertility intervention on myself.
No more blogging, reading, or other great but time-consuming activities for me until there's a plan in place for my next cycle, which may start as soon as May 6. That may sound like plenty of time, but it isn't at all. There's a lot to consider.
And, frankly, I'd rather not. I'd just SO MUCH rather do almost anything else ... fool around online, spend an afternoon at the dentist, alphabetize my grocery-store coupons. Or take a nap. Oh yes, naps are a favorite escape when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
The thing is, I know that this avoidance doesn't mean that it's time to stop trying. It's not a subconscious way of telling myself that I'm done; it's a subconscious way of stomping my feet in protest that "This sucks!" Of course, this mature response does nothing but contribute to the suckiness.
Yes, I'm weary of starting over again so soon after the miscarriage, and afraid that some things that matter most to me may stay forever out of reach. There's a real temptation to numb out, to insist that I'll think about the next steps tomorrow ... or maybe, what the heck, the day after that.
So let's be honest here. I'm doing nothing but hurting my own odds by pretending that I can have BOTH things I most want right now: a nice, dreamy reprieve from pain today, AND a child in my future.
What could I be doing instead of avoiding reality? Some highlights of my to-do list:
- Decide on another natural-cycle IVF vs. stimulated IVF.
- If natural-cycle, order a few drugs, like the trigger shot and antibiotics.
- If stimulated, decide which RE (two options, although maybe I should get one more opinion...) and protocol to use. Decide whether to pay (*gasp*) for two discounted cycles at once. Order a boatload of drugs. Check limits on all credit cards.
- Decide whether to genetically screen the embryo(s).
- Order my "other half" from the sperm bank.
- Research the Affordable Healthcare Act, to see if anything in there may help.
- Research more natural ways to improve fertility, to see what special foods or vitamins may boost my odds by 0.00001%.
There's so much more I could and did start to say about that first bullet. Then I realized that it would more than double the size of this whole post. There are so many issues hidden in there, and they overlap and intersect in ways that make my head hurt.
So, for now, I'll just leave you with the simplified, diagram form:
Here from ICLW... nice to 'meet' you! I'm so sorry for your loss. What you are facing really IS overwhelming- I don't blame you one bit for wanting to tune out for a while. It really is tough not to lose yourself in the whole process- I know I never took breaks, even when I probably needed them, and now that my ttc days are over, I find myself feeling pretty lost, trying to figure out what's important to me now. If you need a break, I say take that nap, and cut yourself some slack. This is such a tough journey... hugs to you...
ReplyDeleteThanks, and hugs to you as well! It can be so consuming ... I'm either all in (eating the special diet, structuring my life around TTC) or I'm all out (hiding under the covers). Some of the best blogs I read are the ones about what happens afterward. Thank you for your willingness to share that part of the journey, too.
DeleteHi from ICLW. That drawing does say it all! Totally get how you need to pull away from anything infertility related for a while. I too do the same when I need time to heal.
ReplyDeleteThat drawing sums it up perfectly for me. When a friend asked what I was doing this week, I said I was still trying to unravel my giant ball of yarn. That's what it feels like sometimes.
DeleteThanks for stopping by.
Stopping by from ICLW! Your story is very unique, and I applaud you for having such love and passion for having a family, especially without having a partner to share that with. Your courage and lack of fear is admirable. After having gone through so much already in your past, I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. I know that you see this infertility intervention as necessary in your emotional and possibly physical recovery, but I am looking forward to hearing more of your story. I wish you luck in the next few weeks.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the kind words. I do have fears, but when they're at their worst, I remember a question I heard a few years ago (no longer sure where): Do you want to live a life based on fear, or a life based on love? The latter will always be my goal.
DeleteThose decisions are really hard to make and wrap your head around. Here's to hoping whatever you go for, it will be exactly what is needed.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the good wishes. I've made some big decisions in my life, but never such a series of big ones in a row, with other (potential, dependent) lives involved. No wonder it feels overwhelming sometimes, I guess.
DeleteEnjoy your time off. I am taking a month or two off and I have really been enjoying not taking the hormones and going to doctor appointments. Love the picture by the way. Happy ICLW!
ReplyDeleteHi there -- thanks for stopping by! Mandatory though it was, my break has been a relief. I'm glad you're enjoying yours, too. Now it's time to get myself back in the game...
DeleteIt sounds to me like you may want to take a little break from cycling (you don't have to stop trying, just a little break). I found my winter hiatus very helpful. I hope you have a plan you are comfortable with soon.
ReplyDeleteThis stuff is so consuming -- it is nice to take a break and focus on other, neglected parts of our lives for a while. I wish I could wait another few months, but time is critical in my case, so here we go again!
DeleteHi, I am stopping by from ICLW. I am sorry for what you are going through. Starting again after a loss is so flipping hard. I got pregnant with identical twins after my first IVF cycle and they died when I was sixteen and a half weeks pregnant. Deciding to go back to our IVF clinic and do a frozen transfer with our remaining embryos was one of the hardest things I have ever had to decide. Part of me was desperate to carry on, and to be pregnant again, but part of me just want to hide from my infertility forever. The frozen cycle failed and I, like you, am researching everything that could possibly boost my chance by even a teeny percent. I wish you the best of luck with your journey. You can find my blog at www.inmygardengrow.blogspot.co.uk
ReplyDeleteAna, I tried to comment on your blog but was not able to do it without being a member of Google+.
DeleteI wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your daughters and the disappointing FET. Those are two devastating blows ..."WTF appointment," indeed. I hope that the appointment brings you some answers, or at least the all-clear to try again. Meanwhile, thanks for your post about foods -- I've added a few of them to my shopping list tonight.
That drawing sums up life perfectly :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. The waiting after a miscarriage is hard.
ICLW #61