The Nightly Routine

before

after

Per day, it's 450 IU Gonal-f and 225 IU Menopur (plus a week of Cetrotide).

My New Job

Apparently I now have a new job: robin wrangler / baby (bird) sitter.

It started yesterday, when I was working from home and kept hearing loud chirps from the patio. The babies are noisy today, I thought. They're growing up, getting more active. A few hours later, I finally got a moment free to peek outside. A little "bird break" would be nice. Smiling, I pulled the curtain back.

Oh … NO! Was that a chick on the GROUND? Had it been the one making those loud chirps for HOURS now?

It wasn't chirping anymore. It was exhausted—breathing hard and lying prone, its chin on the ground. It might be injured, too. It had only some early feathers on its wings, with down underneath, and it was nowhere near ready to take off on its own.

I worried that my presence would be terrifying, adding fear on top of pain. But the chick didn't move as I came near. It didn't even look up as I pulled a potted plant closer to help block the sun. The temperature was in the 90s and climbing. It was predicted to be the hottest day of the year so far. My God, I thought, horrified, I'm too late!

No, not yet. Can't give up yet. I ran to the computer for help. The websites said to put nestlings back in the nest if possible. They said that the old warning about mother birds rejecting chicks that had been touched by humans was a myth. The problem was that I couldn't reach the nest. Also, at that point, I didn't think the chick would survive without some extra help.

But who could give us extra help? Who would even want to bother? It was just a robin, after all, not an eagle or something. Robins are everywhere. Less than 25% make it through their first year. Who would care about this ONE?

But I called a bird rehab place, and the woman there was wonderful, kind and calm. Birds twittered softly in the background as she talked me through some steps: "First, you'll want to get him off the ground. See if you can put him in some kind of basket and hang it up near the nest. That way he'll be safe from predators, and the parents will be more likely to feed him. He's dehydrated by now. Do you have any fruit, like blueberries or strawberries? Cut it into little pieces and mix in a few drops of water..."

I ran around, found a basket, and nestled him into it. Oh how fragile he was … and yes, I was thinking of this chick as "him" by now. I tied the basket to a nail that was six feet up the post. That was as close as I could get him to the nest without hanging him right in the sunlight. Then I hurried to a nearby store for berries.

By the time I got back, he was barely breathing. He did not want to eat. As I touched his beak with the spoon, he just closed his eyes and cringed. His body language pleaded Let me die in peace. And maybe that would be the kindest thing to do.

It was a logical idea. I was able to have logical ideas ... but let me tell you, my cheeks were hot with tears of outrage and grief, for the chick whose life was now in my unsteady hands, for my own baby's life that ended even before birth, for all the pain we share. If this bird dies like this, I thought, I quit. I resign. I am DONE. (Whatever that means.)

But not yet. I called the lovely bird lady again, afraid that she would say it was hopeless now—we tried, but not all babies survive, and it's time to move on. She didn't say that. Calmly, kindly, she said, "You may still be able to pull him out of it. Squeeze the bottom of his beak…"

I did what she suggested, opening his beak with my hands. At first I tried to keep him in his basket, not wanting to hold him, trying not to disturb him any more than necessary or (I admit) get any more attached than I already was. But he tumbled into my lap. His weight and warmth were a shock. Cradling him in my palms, I took in every detail of this little life—the squishy feel of his belly where there were no feathers yet, the skin almost translucent. His tiny feet, tucked close. The beating of his heart. His dark eyes staring into mine.

I held him in shaking hands. I was shaking everywhere, my legs jittering up and down like they've done only one other time in my life, right after a car accident. I prayed, Please, let me help, not hurt. Finally, his beak opened enough for me to get some blueberries down. I managed just a few drops, then nestled him back into his basket.

Then I sat, in shock, in a chair. He sat, in shock, in his basket. We rested. Five minutes passed.

Somewhere a bird was chirping. I looked up, and a huge smile spread across my face. He was chirping! Softly first, then louder, more insistent. He was alive. Not only that, but he WANTED to live!

I know, I know. It was just a bird. And I just gave him some food. But it felt like I'd given someone CPR and watched him come back to life. It felt miraculous.

I wish I could say that the story ended there, happily ever after. In fact, it took three more spoon feedings, a stepladder rental, and a whole afternoon off from work before that poor chick was returned home to his nest. It was quite a day.

Even that was not the end. I woke up this morning to more chirping and another chick (or maybe the same one) on the ground again. This time I knew better what to do. I looked at him—a forlorn little lump of fluff in my ivy—and said, "Sweetie, we've got to stop meeting this way!"

Then I took everything off my desk. (Why not? It's not like I'm getting any work done.) I dragged that heavy desk outside, put a step stool on top of it, and built the chicks a safety net out of fabric scraps and thumbtacks. I had to adjust it until it was acceptable to Mom and Dad. And I put an old egg-crate mattress down on the desk and the ground, just in case. My entire patio is now a giant robin's nest.

The last time I peeked out, there were still three chicks up there, begging and jostling each other for food. It looks like my work is done … for today. I hope everyone stays safe tomorrow.

Blooms

Apparently my garden karma isn't totally hopeless after all. There was a nice surprise waiting for me in the yard yesterday: the forget-me-nots are starting to bloom.

Not only that, but a new generation of robins is using the old nest. Mama's been sitting on it for weeks—much longer, it seemed, than last time around. I was starting to wonder if the eggs were OK (projecting my own issues onto wildlife, no doubt) ... and then yes, I saw and heard two chicks for the first time tonight. :)

The Law of Attraction (Part 2)

Last year, after a dismal RE meeting and five hours in traffic, I came home to find that my whole garden was dying. It was a big patio garden, and everything (all but two or three plants in the corners) had caught some kind of awful, fast-spreading disease. I still don't know quite what it was. I just call it The Plague.

Hearing this story, a woman I knew suggested I might be putting out negative vibes that were attracting these problems into my life, a la The Secret. Maybe my identity was getting wrapped around this idea that "bad things happen to me."

Let's back up a little. This garden was really special to me. I didn't know much about plants, since I'd always lived in apartments where gardens weren't allowed, or where (if they were possible) it seemed silly to make that investment when my time there would be short. But last year I'd had enough of waiting. Tending the garden was tending the part of myself that needed to keep believing in the possibility of growth. And the garden wasn't modest; it was BIG, lush, beautiful. The woman's suggestion that I killed it with my low expectations, negative thoughts, bad-luck cooties, or whatever, really shocked and pissed me off.

But she was right about one thing: my identity WAS getting wrapped around the idea that bad things happen to me. And it was making me more depressed. What if I hadn't been quite so depressed? If my powers of observation had been better, if I'd had more energy, might I have been more concerned about the one plant that looked sick before the others? Then maybe followed an instinct to research what was wrong, and taken action before the infection suddenly took off and spread? I think so. I think what killed my garden was 90% disease, combined with 10% ignorance and inaction.

God grant me the
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

When I think about what I can and can't control, the garden comes to mind, along with a story from a few years earlier. I was trying mountain biking for the first time. "Focus on where you want to go," my boyfriend at the time suggested. "Don’t focus on the rocks and ruts in the trail, or you'll think Oh no, a rock, and you'll freeze up and stare at that rock, and sure enough you'll hit it." He was exactly right. Not that I never wiped out when focusing on the route I wanted to take, but focusing on the obstacles usually made my fear, and therefore my clumsiness, worse.

To sum it up, I don't think special "Laws" are required to explain what's going on. I just function best when focusing outward on the situation itself, when my mind isn't clouded by fear, despair, or other internal reactions. OK, so how do we get to that state? I'll let you know when I figure it all out. (Don't hold your breath.) What I've learned so far is the importance of trying to find balance—not grasping after overly specific outcomes (I'd like that BMW in blue, please.), while still allowing enough healthy desire and will to keep moving ahead.

The Law of Attraction (Part 1)

For years now I've heard about the popular movie and bestselling book called The Secret, which attempt to explain how our minds shape our reality. I've wondered if they might cross into pseudoscience … but hey, who am I to turn down a chance to shape a life that's more fertile, in every sense of the word? Last night, feeling open-minded (and sleepless) I decided to check out the movie finally. The full version is available here.

Warning:
If you enjoyed The Secret and believe it works for you,
you’ll probably be happier skipping my ranty review.

The Secret (the book) by Rhonda Byrne

If you're still reading, I'm going to be honest: it's so much worse than I'd feared. Not only does the movie claim that "like attracts like" (which, in some contexts, I believe) but that it happens "at a level of thought." That’s where they lose me, by stating flatly that "thoughts become things":

"You can have, do, or be—ANYTHING—you want … What kind of a house do you want to live in? Do you want to be a millionaire? What kind of a business do you want to have? Do you want more success? … The Secret is the Law of Attraction. Everything that's coming into your life, you are attracting into your life … Your life is a physical manifestation of the thoughts that go on in your head."

Have you noticed how people who promote these ideas seem especially fixated on attracting stuff (money and objects)? They call it "prosperity" and "abundance," but we all know what that means. I once listened to a meditation titled something generic like "Drawing in the Good," but what it actually involved was picturing money and diamonds dropping from the sky. As the narrator got more and more into it, her voice rose from a soothing meditative drone toward orgasmic levels of delight. I was doubled over laughing. So I guess it did improve my life, just not in quite the way she advertised.

In this film, look at the images that are shown. A woman lusts after a necklace in a store window, and a little boy gawks at a bike, while the speaker promises, "When you think of the things that you want, and you focus on them with all of your attention, the Law of Attraction will give you what you want every time."

Do you want that baby and happy family like I do?? OK, then let's get down to business! How exactly does the Law of Attraction work? Although the references to other laws (like gravity) and quotes from Einstein help create a science-y vibe, most of the experts in this film are identified with titles like Philosopher, Visionary, Author, Therapist, and Feng Shui Consultant. Here an Entrepreneur, Metaphysician, and others explain how it works:

"Every thought has a frequency. We can measure a thought, and so if you're thinking that thought over and over and over again, or you're imagining in your mind having that brand-new car, having the money that you need … If you imagine what that looks like, you're emitting that frequency on a consistent basis … Thoughts are sending out that magnetic signal that is drawing the parallel back to you … It is no more difficult to attract, on a scientific level, something that we consider huge to something we consider infinitesimally small ... See yourself living in abundance, and you will attract it. It always works, it works every time, with every person." 

These last lines are spoken over video of a male model dressing in a snazzy suit and climbing into a limo. There's also footage of mansions, tanned people on holiday, and yes, money falling from the sky.

So if it's this simple, and if it works EVERY TIME, why are you still injecting your poor butt with hormones and spending your limo money on OPKs? The problem is that most people focus on what they DON'T want, so that's exactly what keeps showing up in their lives:

"The Law of Attraction doesn't care whether you perceive something to be good or bad, or whether you don't want it or whether you do want it … Most people have a goal of getting out of debt. That'll keep you in debt forever. Whatever you're thinking about, you'll attract. You'll say, 'But it’s get out of debt.' I don’t care if it's get out or get in; if you're thinking debt, you're attracting debt."

Did you catch that part about how you've attracted all your problems? Let's make it super-duper clear:

"Everything that's around you right now in your life, including the things you're complaining about, you've attracted. Now I know at first blush that's going to be something that you hate to hear. You're going to immediately say, 'I didn't attract the car accident…' [or] whatever it happens to be that you're complaining about. And I'm here to be a little bit in your face and to say, 'Yes, you DID attract it.'"

I don't know about you, but I'm ready to attract some better stuff. It may be too hard to monitor our thoughts all the time. But thoughts cause emotions, and emotions are easier to monitor and change. How to change them? Whatever makes you feel good, just keep doing that thing!

"When you're feeling down, do you know that you can change it like that? Put on a beautiful piece of music. Start singing; that'll change your emotion. Or think of something beautiful—think of a baby! And dwell on it, really keep that thought in your mind, block everything out but that thought."

Block everything out of my mind except babies?  *CHOKE*  Why did I NEVER THINK OF THAT?

Of course, you can think about other good things that are less complicated than babies, like your pets. The key is to use all of your senses to imagine—no, believe—that you already have what you want. You can post pictures on a "vision board" and write lists in the present tense about the great things you've longed for with all your heart for years now the universe is manifesting effortlessly. "It’s you placing your order with the universe. It’s really that easy."

Oh look, a procedure:
1. Ask the universe very clearly for what you want.
2. Believe that it's already yours.
3. Receive it. If you haven't received it yet, repeat Step 2 until you get it right.

If you insist on knowing more about what's going on between Steps 2 and 3, then sorry, you'll have to learn quantum physics. Maybe then you'll understand how "The mind is actually shaping the very thing that's being perceived." If you don't have the time to read metaphysics with your feet up in the stirrups, the short version is this: everything in the universe is energy, and so we're all connected. If those ideas make you feel warm and fuzzy, but you still don't understand how they'll make you pregnant, that doesn't mean you should reject them. Don't be a hater. After all, many things around us (like electricity) work despite our lack of understanding.

How do we know that the Law of Attraction works? We have anecdotes! The ones that bothered me most were the health-related stories—and we're not just talking about a mind-body connection here. We're not just acknowledging that worry may raise blood pressure or the placebo effect may do some actual good. Instead, the film mentions a miraculous cancer cure, kidneys that "regenerate," and so on. Whether these cures resulted from The Law or something else, I’m happy for these people. But the flip side is that they're pointing a finger at me. They're blaming my physical symptoms on such medical problems as my lack of love. That baby I miscarried, whose pre-transfer embryo photo I kept next to my bed for months? Apparently I just didn't love him/her enough.

Diseases are "all the result of one thing: stress. When you put enough stress on a chain, you put enough strain on a system, one of the links breaks … Our physiology creates disease to give us feedback, to let us know we have an imbalanced perspective, we're not loving, and we're not grateful … Disease cannot live in a body that's in a healthy emotional state."

In other words, YOU caused your infertility. But don't feel guilty about it, because guilt will just make it worse. Quick! Think happy thoughts about babies instead! I mean, NO … think about your dog! Damn it, why can't you just relax?

Not only do our negative thoughts and emotions wreak havoc in our own lives, but they ripple out into the world. If you care about issues like poverty, it may be better to visualize abundance than to fight for (and therefore focus on and feel unpleasant feelings about) actual people in need. Fighting things is so negative. "The anti-war movement creates more war. The anti-drug movement has actually created more drugs." If we really want to help, we should focus less on the problems and more on the solutions.

To be fair, this is where The Secret finally starts making some sense to me. As the saying goes, "It’s better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." Of course, this idea is nothing new. Most of the ideas in The Secret, including the ones I agree with, aren't new, like the concept that happiness depends on attitudes as well as circumstances.

Believe it or not, my intention here was not just to blast this movie. On the verge of a very important and stressful month, I sincerely want to consider what I can and can't control, and how to use that control in the most effective, least neurotic ways. That's why this post is going to require a Part 2, which will be much less bitter more positive. To be continued...

Part 2 is here.

Insomnia

It's back. To be honest, I'm not sure how much is really inability to sleep, and how much is fear of the thoughts that will go through my head before sleep can take over.

Today was a hard day. July 4 is for parties, picnics, parades ... families. Somehow I have a harder time being childless on this holiday than on Christmas, when I can always get together with extended family, and when there's so much commercial hype and buildup that I'm over it by late November.

At least tonight's insomnia led to something sort of productive. I now haz some Pinterest boards. (I was on there already, and spend most of my time in the Humor section to help stay sane, but wanted a separate place for this stuff.) Enjoy!

It Begins

Finally, I have some real TTC news to report—the kind that's personal, not just about other species.

Today is Day 1 on birth control pills, in preparation for IVF. I still have a few days left to back out before the bills start coming due, but yeah, I think I'm going to go through with it.

Birth control pills. I haven't even seen these things in years. My God, the irony.

First will come two weeks of suppression with the BCPs, and then it will be time to prepare for war...

Breathless

On the verge of taking what may be the biggest risk of my life so far, while catching up on blog news, I came across a quote that All My Pretty Ones posted weeks ago. It took my breath away, literally. As in, after reading the last lines, I just sat there not breathing, tears streaming down my face.

Please allow me to reprint the whole thing here:

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."
― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP

Affordable Care Act

OK, American ladies, do you understand this thing?

I've found some of the government websites to be surprisingly helpful. Still, there are features that I don't quite understand. Mainly this:

Prohibiting Discrimination Due to Pre-Existing Conditions or Gender. The law implements strong reforms that prohibit insurance companies from refusing to sell coverage or renew policies because of an individual’s pre-existing conditions. Also, in the individual and small group market, the law eliminates the ability of insurance companies to charge higher rates due to gender or health status. Effective January 1, 2014.

I'm wondering, of course, how these changes will affect coverage for infertility. Will anyone now be able to buy a policy that covers IVF???

Right now, since I work for a small company that doesn't provide health insurance, I buy my own. It's a super-high-deductible plan—basically useful only if I get hit by a bus. I'm lucky to have even this plan. I committed the sin of moving to this state with a "pre-existing condition" of infertility, then was denied insurance here. I knew I couldn't expect any IF coverage, of course, but was denied any coverage at all, solely because of this diagnosis. (Otherwise, I'm in perfect health.) Because my state requires it, though, there were three or four special policies available for special "high risk" (WTF?) people like me. This was the only one that was remotely affordable.

Still, if I could get coverage for IVF, I would happily pay higher premiums. Could it be true that the new law will make this option possible?

And if it does ... is that good news for me or not? Because these changes aren't effective until January, and every month that I wait lowers my odds. What could be more ironic than receiving coverage just exactly when it's too late to do me any good?

June

After several weeks away, it sure feels good to be back here. I still have no big news ... but as soon as I started catching up on other people's news, it felt familiar, a relief, like coming home at the end of a long day. You know how good it feels some days to shut the door, throw off the shoes and bra and the rest of the workday mask, and just BE YOURSELF? Like that.

This last month has been tough but productive. I changed to a new RE (fifth one), repeated all the diagnostic tests (fourth time), picked a new donor (fifth one—seriously, I'm counting on my fingers here), and worked as many hours as possible to help pay for the above. Also applied for discount programs through my clinic and EMD Serono, and researched insurance issues. (Oh, the carefree and thrilling childless life! How will I ever give it up?)

There was time to squeeze in a few fun things, like visiting with a friend this weekend. And June is my favorite month: maximum daylight, warmth, fireflies at night … even a new generation of robins moving into the old backyard nest.

But I won't lie: going back to the clinic yet again was hard. Sitting there in the paper skirt, I was thinking of Who Shot Down My Stork's great "You might be infertile if..." post and the other things I could add. Like, you might have been TTC too long if you wear a favorite pair of thigh-high stockings to each date with the ultrasound wand, to help stay warm. Or if you've learned the hard way which wipes NOT to use when cleaning up afterwards. (Hint: don't use the antimicrobial wipes that are meant for cleaning the room, or they'll make you invent some new dance moves. I can't be the only person who's made that mistake?)

I've almost decided on the "throw the book at it" IVF approach ... and I say "almost" just because it's hard to believe that I'm really going to hand over so much money until it's actually, totally done. In the meantime, there should be one last planning conversation with my nurse and/or doctor tomorrow...