My Journey Through the Land of If

In this description, "The Land of If got its name not only because 'IF' is the abbreviation for 'infertility' in the online world, but also because there are so many 'ifs' inherent in being here." That's for sure. Here's the journey I've taken through this strange land so far:


1999: Started dating my partner, who quickly became my best friend and greatest love. Eventually assumed that we would have at least one child, and began arranging our lives around that goal. Also assumed that there was no need to hurry, since my mother got pregnant for the first time in her mid-30s, literally one month after stopping birth control. I should have no problem, right?

2008: Started trying to conceive. Quickly met with two REs because of my partner's known fertility problems, due to cancer treatments in his past.

2009: Surprise! He was not the only one with problems. I was diagnosed with severely diminished ovarian reserve (much worse than expected for my age) and had surgery to remove uterine polyps.

2010: Surprise! After moving, we changed to a third RE, who performed some routine tests again. This time my partner's HIV test came back positive.

I tested negative and will always be grateful to infertility for this one thing: causing us to visit doctors and have these tests done when we did.

Still, our relationship ended, and it felt more like a death than a divorce. A lot of plans and dreams we'd shared also ended abruptly. One of the hardest parts was realizing that my hopes of having children had probably just ended, too.

(Over time, we've stayed in touch and become good friends again, and he's been a huge support. Life is full of surprises...)

2011: After scraping myself off the floor, I met some single mothers by choice (SMCs) and their children, who were conceived with the help of donor sperm or adopted. They seemed like a friendly, diverse, and well-adjusted bunch. Hmmm. I started thinking about these options. I read books and blogs, met with counselors, sought out viewpoints both pro and con. This decision was NOT one to be rushed.

2012: 

• Since I'd taken 18 months off from TTC, my RE performed all the tests again. The results were worse this time: FSH of 18, AMH of 0.46. It was truly now or never. I picked an open-ID donor.
• Tried 4 IUIs with injectable Gonal-f and Ovidrel, with poor response and negative results. My RE recommended a very aggressive IVF protocol but put the odds of success well below 10%. The odds would be only slightly higher than with IUIs, at many times the cost.
• Instead of the most aggressive option, I tried something totally different: "natural" IVF. It involves no ovarian stimulation at all, just ICSI with a single egg and sperm. It can be an option for women who don't respond well to stims. Few clinics perform it, so I changed to a fourth RE and traveled a long way for treatment. And—miraculously—it worked!
• A few days before Christmas, found out that I was pregnant.

2013:

• In February, miscarried at 12 weeks. Devastating.
• In July and August, since the first IVF worked better than expected, tried my "throw the book at it" cycle: stimulated IVF with a fifth RE. Total failure. Devastating again.
• In October, returned to the far-away clinic for the first of three more no-stim IVFs, with the goal of "banking" and genetically testing a few embryos (to help prevent more miscarriages and long recoveries, which would reduce fertility even more). The results were very encouraging!

2014:

• In April, genetic testing showed that all three embryos in fact had major abnormalities that were "incompatible with life."
• What now?