This morning the whole country turned clocks forward an hour for Daylight Saving Time. Now it will be light out until 7 PM. Also, the temperature is supposed to reach over 60 degrees today. I know what all this means: spring is right around the corner.
I hate it. I dread it. This was when I was supposed to start feeling the baby move. The "supposed tos" and "should haves" are only going to get more painful as spring and summer go by.
Although I didn't think about the timing of this pregnancy at all while TTC, it could not have been more symbolically perfect. The positive beta results came back just a week before Christmas. I've never gotten a better gift. And this was a gift I could pass along to others, like my parents, who were thrilled. I'll always remember the serene drive to their house on Christmas Eve, on the back roads past the country church with its nativity scene, listening to "Silent Night." I had one hand on my belly, tears of wonder and gratitude in my eyes.
At the start of the new year, I heard the baby's brand-new heartbeat. It was loud and insistent—BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!—reminding me of a newborn's first cry. It seemed to announce to the world, "I AM HERE!" More tears of wonder and gratitude.
I would have felt the baby's first movements near Easter. My belly would have started growing visibly at the same time all the leaves and flowers spread out toward the sun. I would have worn cute little maternity clothes, which wouldn't have cost much.
Then in August, in the fullness of summer, I would have given birth. People joked about the misery of being nine months pregnant in the summer heat, but I love summertime. And August is the one month when no-one else in my family has a birthday. The baby would have had it all to him- or herself.
Those were my daydreams. Now I just want to stop the clocks at winter, because it's still winter in my heart. I have different daydreams now. When I see Easter lilies in the stores and sunshine filling the sky, I close my eyes and think again of "Silent Night": Sleep in heavenly peace, Sleep in heavenly peace.
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| Source: ForestWander Nature Photography |
This is beautiful. The changing seasons, with all their symbolism of growth and birth and death, can be such powerful triggers, for me too. Spring is definitely when I feel most close to my son, it was 'his' time, the only time we got with him.
ReplyDeleteHere, tonight, there is a snowy storm raging outside and spring seems a long way off. I'll light a candle for your little one; I'm so sorry his/her heart is not still beating strong and loud inside you.
Thank you so much.
DeleteI'm glad that spring isn't just painful for you, but that it also brings the solace of more closeness with your son. Maybe I'll feel that way about winter next year.
I know this feeling all too well. I would have been finding out the gender of my baby this week.
ReplyDeleteYou may already know this song, but if not, you should listen to it. It's good music to cry too and is called "Winter In My Heart." http://youtu.be/qjSqa2RpRzw
Thanks for sharing that song. I actually hadn't heard it before, but it IS perfect, isn't it?
DeleteI'm sorry that you're going through these same things. It sounds like you were just a few weeks ahead of me? There are so many "would have" milestones to get through...
Thanks for your comment! When I first looked into IVF I came across someone's picture of all their meds. The caption was "How babies are really made!" and I just had to use it as my blog title. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It's really hard not to imagine how different things could have been.
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