It's been a month since that awful, silent ultrasound.
No, I'm not "over it" yet. In fact, you don't want to know how many times I snooze the alarm before dragging myself out of bed each day.
AND—I'm learning to say "and" instead of "but," which brushes off the truth of everything that came before—tonight I took a shower (the one I had no time for in the morning) and made a big glass of green juice. It has kale, broccoli, cucumber, celery, and apple in it, and it really is THAT green. It actually tastes pretty good (light and refreshing) for something that looks like it came out of a swamp. I made juice all the time when I was TTC and pregnant. Since then, I haven't done that or really any other healthy stuff.
The thing is, making these commitments to health again feels like I'm also committing to TTC again … which, of course, is true. The clock is still ticking and there's absolutely no time to waste. The idea of trying again, so soon, is what really feels overwhelming right now.
AND … all the same … here are the commitments I've made tonight:
- Cut out the physically unhealthy habits. That means all junk food of any kind, including the tasteless chips with only five ingredients.
- Add back as many healthy habits as I can without feeling too resentful. I'll get back on the prenatal vitamins, and I'm still looking forward to that kickboxing class. But no, the hippie deodorant can wait until CD1.
- Put together a list of follow-up questions about maternal testing for my OB. Our appointment today got rescheduled due to
the snowstorm of the yearhalf an inch of slush outside. - Put together a list of TTC options and questions for my RE.
- Take a close look at my finances, which will determine which of the TTC options are even possible now.
Oh, that last one is a killer. I've been avoiding it because (especially on top of the pregnancy loss) it's so depressing and scary. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go throw up that glass of juice now…
It is just plain wrong that money has to get in the way of having a child...especially when so many get them for free.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're working towards getting rid of the unhealthy stuff again. I gained 1/2 of my TTC weight in the 6 weeks after my miscarriage.
I need to remind myself about keeping enough money to pay for actual child-related things, if I'm lucky enough to have the child!
ReplyDeleteWe are in the process of reviewing finances for the eventuality of having to pursue IVF later this year. It sucks, but there you have it. I'm glad you're back to the juice, I actually think it looks delish! And for what it's worth (though I might be a bit granola-y myself), the 'hippy' crystal deo is really effective and saves you buying new ones each month ('cause ya know, every bit helps towards the ART, right?).
ReplyDeleteI think you're doing amazingly at one month out.
Sorry to hear that you're in the same situation. I've always been good at planning, but THIS kind of planning is different -- so emotionally draining.
DeleteOh, and I may try that crystal deo you mentioned. The waxy, smeary kind I tried before was not impressive, but I'm all for 'granola' when it works!