Letting Go of What I Can

A few weeks ago, I spent a weekend camping at a quiet spot along the river. Nature is my favorite anesthetic. This trip would be like a mini-retreat—unbroken time to make peace with some painful things, while sedated by sunlight, woodsmoke, and the sound of chirping birds.

It was lovely. BUT … how does a person make peace with letting go of such a deep desire?? Not in one weekend.

Anyway, it had to start with looking closely at the situation, meaning my finances and options for parenthood (which are closely related, of course).  Lots of hours and anxiety spent there. Then I sat by the river, just listening for any guidance that would come.

I didn't reach a decision about whether to keep trying or not. What I DID do is let go of acting now on two options, using donor eggs or pursuing private adoption. Those options aren't as time-sensitive as TTC with my own eggs, but I know that choosing not to act on them now makes it less likely that I'll have the resources to do so later. And it feels relatively OK.

Why? Long story short, when I think about those options, I feel myself contract. I sense my focus shift inward from the child to my own anxiety about making this happen.

There are two points I want to make here. One is that others' experiences may be different; those options may feel like the most natural ones for them, and of course I wish them well.

Also, no, I'm not signing on to the belief that "If things are meant to be, then they will be." My beliefs are more along the lines of "It is what it is." Can't argue with that, right?

Sometimes a fight is required. When it has to stop is when I feel momentum tempt me into drifting past limits I set years ago, or when I feel myself shutting down, diverting all energy into struggling even harder to swim upstream.

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