After ordering this print and debating with myself some more, I also ordered a little pendant that says "Forever Loved." Picking one took a while.
I debated about it because the idea of buying something for an "occasion" like this just felt wrong. There are actually a lot of things a person can buy, from tacky to beautiful to extravagant. Shopping tends to overwhelm me even in the best of times. In this case, not only was it not fun, but it also made me feel queasy and even, I have to admit, a little ashamed.
Wasn't it morbid or—worse—frivolous? Why spend hours shopping for something when I could just spend the same amount of time crying privately for free? Was I distracting myself with stuff at this least appropriate of times?? Well, not successfully, that's for sure, since I cried through the whole experience…
I don't actually believe these judgments that came up reflexively. I just want a physical reminder because I miss the baby who was physically here. I want so much to have something to touch and to keep, literally, close to my heart.
So when the necklace arrived today, my first emotion was relief … followed by an aching knowledge that this is NOT what I actually want. This is not holding my child in my arms.
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| "Miscarriage of Justice" by Lina Scarfi |
I bought myself a ring after my miscarriage - even though I have a 21 month old toddler now, I still wear it every day. It's not frivolous or morbid - it's part of the grieving process.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs.
Thank you. And I'm starting to understand. The "occasion" itself is what really feels wrong, not the particular way that I or anyone else tries to cope with the grief.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't judge others in the same way I initially judged myself. Someone I know has a tattoo in remembrance of her miscarriages, so clearly this need to keep something physical with us is a deep and common one.
Hugs to you, too.
I love that print. It really captures the feeling of losing a child. I have a tattoo picked out that I want to get in honor of my pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteWhat are you getting (if you don't mind sharing)? I like the idea.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind at all :) Here's a link to my old blog where I wrote about what I'm getting and why: http://futurefords.wordpress.com/2012/11/27/im-still-alive-just-barely/
DeleteVery nice! The way the writing loops around and connects, it reminds me of an infinity loop.
DeleteI posted this pic on my blog and facebook a while back. It really says it all.
ReplyDeleteIt's perfect.
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