Happy Birthday, Blog

It was a year ago yesterday that I took a deep breath and—with very few expectations—hit "Publish" on my first post here, which was written in the middle of the night, in the middle of a sleepless week. Looking back, I'm surprised that it was coherent. It still does a good job of explaining why I came here.

And what is it about blogging that's made me stick around?

• Fluidity:  Mainly, as mentioned in that first post, facing the reality of difficult emotions helps me to keep them fluid. It keeps anger and sadness from congealing into bitterness and despair.
• Release:  This is hard to explain to those who haven't felt it, but it feels like there are just things I have to say. In daily life, I'm not a big talker. I especially try to avoid overloading friends with TMI about TTC. No-one wants to be a bummer. That's not to say that I let it all hang out here … just that no-one has to come here, you know? So I don't feel guilty about focusing on the same basic topics, which take up a huge and important space in my life right now.
• Clarity:  Writing makes me more mindful of emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and patterns that are normally just below the surface of awareness. The more precisely I can describe them here, the better I can see and respond to them "in the wild."
• Guidance:  Without really setting out to make it happen, I now have a record of what's helped and what hasn't during this very hard year, which can serve as a guide the next time I'm feeling lost.
• Connection:  When I see how many people struggle with similar feelings (if not the exact same circumstances), it helps my heart expand rather than shrivel up in self-pity. I don't have to take it personally. It's not "my pain" or "my joy," just pain and joy, things I share with absolutely everyone.
• Support:  Other people's posts have given me such good food for thought. They've led to new perspectives, posts of my own, practical tips, books and articles to read, questions to ask my doctors… Thank you all!
• Warmth:  Reading a person's blog is a little like visiting a room in her home. Personality comes through not just in words, but also in the layout of the place, the pictures on the wall, how often she's there, who else drops by… I get to know someone better in her own space than when she's one username of hundreds or thousands on a forum.
• Acceptance:  I tend to publish posts when I feel about 95% done and ready to move on. Completing that last 5% would take longer than all the rest and turn something fun into a self-absorbed chore. I can always go back later and make a sentence more precise (hey, it's not journalism) or write some kind of follow-up. My writing, like everything in my life, will always be imperfect and unfinished, and that’s OK. 

A No-Progress Report

Here's the latest TTC report: there's been no progress to report.

The snowy weather has made my usual three-hour commute to the clinic just too risky. I could do it if I were willing to scramble (and pay a lot extra) to set up local monitoring on snowy days, and if I were willing to stay in hotels and miss even more time at work. Instead, I'm just sitting out the winter months.

That's not snow piled up in my parking space; it's ice!

On another note, my mother is finally going home after a long recovery from multiple medical problems. Such a relief! In recent weeks, she's gone from barely being able to hold up her head, to walking, talking, and even getting excited again about her "grand-cells" (my two frozen embryos).

So, even though it's not happening in my ovaries, there is some important progress going on after all.

Memorials (Part 3)

Now that this time of year has rolled around again, I'm not sure what date to identify as the anniversary of my pregnancy loss. Today, Feb. 6, the day the doctor broke the bad news? Feb. 12, when the bleeding finally started? Feb. 27, when it finally stopped?

This whole month is an anniversary, I guess. But today's date seems to carry the most weight.

Like my due date, it's been surprisingly ... OK. (The lead-up to it was worse.) And despite what I wrote yesterday about triggers, the "gentle, wistful sadness" is the main mood that's been here today, and especially tonight.

I won't write much about it. I doubt that words can capture the mood as well as this one image can. It's from a locket, which says "I Love You to the Moon & Back" inside. I printed the image and pinned it to the side of the prayer box (not quite sure what to call it) that my best friend made. It's like a little altar where I've gathered a few important things and where I light candles sometimes.

There are candles burning there tonight, as I look out at the winter moon.

by EverAndAnon

Triggers

Pregnant women and babies don't hurt me. I'm used to them, prepared for them, and usually not too unsettled.

Most of the time, what I feel is not much at all. Defended numbness. Sometimes a passing joy. Sometimes a gentle, wistful sadness for what might have been and obviously is not, so there's no point in brooding about it. No point in focusing much on the future, for that matter, since who knows what might end up happening then. Best to conserve my energy.

Then something blindsides me and flattens the careful defenses, as this beautiful post about the difference between grief and trauma describes:

"I've learned to walk and talk and laugh around the grief and while I never let it go, it's become easier to carry, to shift to one side when necessary. I wear it like the bracelet on my arm that has Eliza's name. It no longer feels like my defining characteristic, even though I carry it every day and it's become part of who I am.

The trauma lurks, sharp and scary and real, and when it surfaces, it takes me out."

It's true: the smallest things can hurt the worst, because they're so unexpected and so visceral. They're sensory things. A certain song that was popular when I was pregnant. The smell of hand sanitizer, which I used a lot that winter in my quest for perfect pregnant health. There are visual things, too, the worst of which hit me again this past week:

They're baaaack!
(source)

February 6—a year ago—was the date of that awful, silent ultrasound. After the OB's Doppler picked up no fetal heartbeat, there were actually two ultrasounds, an abdominal (just to make sure that everything was alright), followed by a vaginal (to confirm the worst).

A weird, stoic numbness started enfolding me right away. The OB looked worried, as if he'd rather see me cry or rage, but I didn't even have the energy for a bitter "oh SURE" when he asked if I was going to be OK. Was there a choice?

I just wanted to go home. But it was afternoon, and on the 40-minute drive I got stuck behind what seemed to be every school bus in the county. Numb, numb. I could feel my heart closing and shrinking more with each passing mile. Then I stopped at the grocery store to pick up the diapers ultra super-size menstrual pads I'd need for going home to have a miscarriage.

And there was that wall of cheerful balloons. They were shaped like giant glossy hearts and kissy lips. I stopped in my tracks, struck twice, first by all the imagery of hearts ("I'm sorry, but your baby's heart has stopped.") and then by the whole concept of Valentine's Day. Oh yeah, I thought. Almost forgot that part. I'm going home to have a miscarriage ... alone, on what would have been our anniversary.

Time does soften the rough edges, and it will probably continue to do so, but as long as I live I'll never see Valentine's Day in the same way again.

Resolution

New Year's Eve was always one of my favorite holidays. As a child, I thought it was awesome to stay up late, of course. But it wasn't just party time. As I sat on the couch watching the Times Square events on TV, I'd earnestly write out all my goals for the coming year. What serious business was on my 12-year-old mind? It's long forgotten now.

That routine didn't change much in the next decades. As a teenager and young adult, I still saw New Year's Eve more as a chance to reflect than as a chance to party. (Fourth of July was the time for partying, duh.)

Then there were years, the last few years, when I didn't make any resolutions at all. My goal was to endure. However I managed to do that, pretty much, would be OK.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This year I'm aiming for the middle ground: no perfectionistic lists, and also no giving up. My single resolution is to have resolution. As in:

Resolution (n.): tenacity, firmness, determination, steadfastness, perseverance, purpose, resolve.

So I got a book from the library called This Year I Will…, which has been helpful. Author M.J. Ryan says:

"Because it takes work, often a lot of work and sacrifice, you have to really want to bring something into being. Deeply, truly, honestly ... Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., encourages us to go beneath the surface to find what she calls our soul resolutions, which are 'based on saying yes to your deepest longings ... Goals rooted in what really matters are far easier to keep.'"

Ryan also recommends making the goals "SMART"—specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound—then gives many tips for sustaining motivation.

My specific goal is to get up an hour earlier each morning and walk on my elliptical machine, at least through January (and then I can recommit). Officially, I'll do it for a minimum of just 10 minutes a day. But getting out of bed is the worst part.

Once I get up, get prepared, and get on the machine, the hardest part is over and 10 minutes easily turn into 20, 30, or more. Sometimes I plod along at a steady pace with my nose in a book. Sometimes I bust out the silly dance moves. Often I turn up the music and run flat-out, like something awful is right on my heels.

Even 30 minutes a day is not a big goal. It feels big to me, though, and sometimes a grand (even foolishly so) gesture is just what I need to shake things up.

I know that I need—on the soul level that Ryan talks about—the power that will come from doing this one thing every day, not just in spite of but because of the fact that my energy has been so catastrophically low.

Yes, I really want this goal. I really need the life energy and the will.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I've felt increasingly beaten down by the TTC waiting and now—worst of all—the relentless bad news about people I dearly love and can't seem to help. It feels awful. Clinging to anything I can control and "fix," I've wondered which parts of the awfulness might be within my control, a product of clouded perceptions or mental story lines...

So much to analyze. Really, though, how much does it matter? In her book, Ryan says this:

"Over the past forty years, I have gathered dozens of theories of why I am the way I am ... But to change something in myself, to bring something new into being, I need to engage a different part of my brain—my right brain, where innovative thinking happens. The right brain is future oriented. It's where our aspirations, our dreams, our longings reside...

In preparing for the change you're about to make, allow your right brain to help you. All it takes is switching from 'why' thinking to 'what could be possible' thinking. Ask 'what' questions rather than 'why' questions: 'What can I do to have more balance in my life today?' rather than 'Why am I a workaholic?' ... Do you notice the difference in the two choices? One leads to rumination and stuckness; the other to creative possibilities and forward momentum."

Frankly, talk about innovation, aspiration, and longing makes me tired. I'm concerned most with today. But even in that small context, I do get what Ryan is saying about staying stuck in analysis vs. building some kind of forward momentum. My exercise resolution is all about the latter. I'll try to articulate why:

• Over time, it may lift my mood and energy.
• It trains me to face whatever is here (circumstances and my reactions to them) with mindfulness.
• It renews my commitment to live consciously in this world, despite its messiness and my own deep reluctance some days.
• It transforms my default state of defended numbness into anger and sorrow, which at least feel alive.
• It makes me breathe, sweat, and let energy flow in and out. When I let things happen, resistance melts away.
• It reminds me that weak muscles (literally and metaphorically) are strengthened by practice, not by rest.
• It builds my courage to do other difficult things.
• Doing it first thing in the morning puts priority on my mental and physical health. First responders like EMTs are taught that, before they can be most useful to others at an accident site, they need to ensure their own safety. I owe the same thing to myself and those I love.
• Doing it every single day builds consistency and discipline. If I make exceptions for a poor night's sleep or a busy day ahead, etc., every single day will end up as an exception. Instead:

Nominees

OK, here's where I cheat a bit. Because it's hard to keep track of who has received which award in the past (and I've already dragged this out much too long), I'd like to keep things simple and nominate the following bloggers for whichever one of these awards they haven't yet received / would prefer: Liebster, Stork, or Sunshine. Any of them would apply to anyone below. Just click the links to see the rules and icons.

I hope I haven't just broken some awful taboo. But I think the main rule is to have fun, not guilt, right? We all have some intense things going on, so I'll understand if you don't have time right now, or if you pick just a few favorite questions to answer. If you do participate in any way, please post a comment here that links to your answers and nominees, so that others can go check them out. It's been a fun way to get to know each other outside of the usual focus.

Here are my nominees:

• Lauren at On Fecund Thought
• Michaela at A Single Journey
• Mrs. E at TTCBabyE3
• Stasy at Dancing My Way Through Life, Loss, and Books
• Janet at Just A Little Off Kilter
• Lentil at Lamenting the Lentil
• The Unexpected Trip
• Schrodinger's Catbox
• Ask An Infertile
• Hope is something you pee on

Here are my questions for you:

1. What was your best moment of 2013?
2. Are you making any New Year's resolutions? What?
3. What's something about yourself that you hope will never change?
4. What's one of your favorite things to do in wintertime?
5. Aisle or window seat?
6. What quote / piece of writing is especially close to your heart?
7. How do you get your news?
8. What qualities draw you to someone new (friend or significant other)?
9. What do you look for in a place to live?
10. Do you have any nicknames? (Come on, we all have at least one!)

Sunshine Award

A big thank you goes out to Lauren at On Fecund Thought, who nominated me for a Sunshine Award!

A Sunshine Award is given to bloggers whose posts brighten your day. Here's how it works:

1. Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post.
2. Link to the person who nominated you.
3. Answer 10 questions about yourself.
4. Nominate 10 bloggers to receive the award.
5. Link your nominees and let them know they've been nominated.

Here are my answers to Lauren's questions:

1. What is your super power? Not a fake one, but something you are good at and can consistently rely on?
   Sifting through a bunch of details to find the bottom line. I guess you'd call that analysis? I can distill two pages of scribbled notes from a doctor's appointment down to a few pro/con tables and bullet points … for whatever good it does. There are literally boxes full of those notes in my closet right now.
2. What gift (apart from effortlessly making a human) do you wish you had?
   More energy. I know people who come home from a full day of physical work and immediately start cleaning something, before even pausing to sit down. I just stare at them and wonder, What species ARE you? 
3. Have you read a book more than three times?
   Yes, absolutely. I tend to skim books the first time, then go back and read the good ones more thoroughly—sometimes over and over, noticing new things each time.
4. What is your mantra?
   Make me a channel of your peace (from the St. Francis prayer). It's a tall order. I just focus on that first image: self-discipline is the structure of the channel, and mindfulness clears a space in the center. The peace isn't something I create; it flows through me in rare moments when I can get myself out of the way.
5. What's the best piece of advice you ever received?
   It was a question: Do you want to live a life based on fear or a life based on love? Whenever I'm in doubt about what to do, I try to choose the latter.
6. What made you decide to start blogging?
   This post explains. Basically, it seemed like a way to keep my heart open during difficult times, while connecting with others who are going through similar things, without wearing out my welcome with those who are NOT going through similar things.
7. What's in your handbag (UK) / purse (US) / "bag you carry around all day" (elsewhere)?
   Not much: cash, cards, keys, phone, mints, and a pen. I'm sort of a minimalist.
8. What's in your fridge?
   Not much: bean soup from the crockpot, vegetables for juicing, some half-used bottles of salad dressing, and a few leftover IVF meds way in the back.
9. Do you remember how you discovered my blog? Why do you read it?
   You commented on one of my posts, and it sounded like our situations had a lot in common. More than that, your words hit me in an almost physical way. I sit back and go, "Whoa. Yes, that's it exactly. I just never quite realized it before." Few people can face such difficult emotions head-on—let alone explain them so well, with both honesty and dignity, while right in the middle of it all. I learn from you. I'm encouraged and less alone. Last but not least, I want to be there to cheer when well-deserved good news comes your way!
10. What makes you feel fabulous?
    Sunrise, a mug of coffee in my lap, an empty road leading somewhere I've never been before.

Next up are my nominees and questions...

Stork Award

A big thank you goes out to Melissa at Ask an Infertile, who nominated me for a Stork Award!

Here's how it works:

1. Include the Stork Award icon in your post.
2. Link the person(s) who nominated you.
3. Answer the 10 questions about yourself.
4. Nominate as many bloggers as you want to receive the award.
5. Ask your nominees 10 new questions.
6. Link your nominees and let them know they've been nominated.
7. Post the Stork Award icon on your blog side bar if you are so inclined.

Here are my answers to Melissa's questions:

1. What do you consider to be your best personality trait?
   I'll go with what I said earlier: being thoughtful can be my best and/or worst trait. It's a good thing when it makes me see beyond the surface and live intentionally. It's a bad thing when it makes me morbid.
2. When you are stressed, what is something you do to relax or cope?
   Sleeping is #1. It's an escape, and it seems to "reboot" me in a way that nothing else can. Exercise and certain kinds of meditation can be healthier and more energizing, if I can manage to get past the inertia and start. Sometimes it's best to "change the channel" totally and just watch a funny movie or ask someone else what's new in his/her life. Being outside is always healing, too; it has a way of putting my life into a larger perspective.
3. Describe your dream home.
   The lot would be big and private, with trees and garden space. A porch, some window seats, and skylights would help bring the outside in and make the house feel bigger. The house can actually be smallish, ~1,000 square feet, since it will be easier to heat, cool, clean, and maintain that way. I love older houses with solid construction. Add hardwood floors, a fireplace, and a bathtub deep enough to cover my knees, and I'd be in heaven.
4. What is the best piece of advice you can offer?
   Don't believe everything you think!
5. What are you looking forward to right now?
   Medical stuff has put most of my plans on hold indefinitely, but I did go ahead and sign up for a retreat in late January. By the time I decided to go for it, there was a waiting list. We'll see if I'm actually able to go.
6. When  you were young, what did you want to be when you grew up?  Did you stick with that?
   Nope. I went through lots of phases, wanting to be a pilot, a doctor, a reporter... What I do now is less glamorous, but I enjoy it.
7. What is your favorite thing to eat on Thanksgiving?
   It would have to be the stuffing. But really, it's the combination of everything (including that tiny dab of cranberry sauce, which I never eat at any other time) that makes Thanksgiving dinner great.
8. What is something you've always loved that most people think is lame or silly?
   The things that come to mind are things that many people like as kids but outgrow as adults, like chasing fireflies in the summertime. I have to do that every year.
9. What website do you have to visit every day?
   It's varied over the years, but lately it's been Pinterest. I'm very visual, and I love organizing things, so Pinterest is like crack. It can suck up hours and days with no real purpose. Hey, maybe I've found a better answer to Question #8!
10. Do you believe in magic?
    No, but I believe there are many mysteries I will never understand, and that's OK.

Next up are my nominees and questions...

Liebster Award

A big thank you goes out to Not When, But IF, who nominated me for a Liebster Award!

Here's how it works:

• Post 11 random facts about yourself.
• Answer the 11 questions the awarding blogger has posted for you.
• Nominate 11 bloggers (with less than 200 followers) for the award and link them in your post.
• Let the bloggers you have nominated know they are nominated.
• No tag backs.

Here are 11 random facts about me:

1. Though I've been a total homebody lately, in my teens and early 20s I did quite a lot of traveling. I lived in six US states in seven years.
2. I've been outside in temperatures from -50 F to +125 F. I much prefer the heat!
3. Same thing with food: the spicier, the better.
4. I reuse things until they fall apart: sandwich bags, Christmas bows, my last car, the boxes my meds came in...
5. I am not just my parents' only child, but also the only grandchild on both sides of my family.
6. Amazingly, no-one has pressured me to "give them" a grandchild. My little family is wonderful, loving, and kind.
7. Amazingly, I wasn't too spoiled while growing up, although I did take myself way too seriously.
8. I probably still do.
9. Strangely, though, I can laugh much more easily now than when I started TTC.  It's easier to let the small stuff go.
10. Clumsiness runs in my family. I could barely ride a bike as a kid, then recently relearned as an adult. (Hilarity and bruises ensued.)
11. Still, I like to do physical work. It has a way of waking up my body and calming down my mind.

Here are my answers to Not When, But IF's questions:

1. What was the destination of your favorite vacation?  Why?
   On my 20th birthday, I left for a backpacking trip with friends in the western US. We started in a national park, then walked beyond the park boundary, beyond the trails, and out into the canyons where we didn't see another person all week. We felt like explorers from a century ago. There was even a lunar eclipse one night, which none of us expected since we hadn't heard any news. It was magical.
2. Do you have any pets?  What?  How many?
   One cat. My ex found her as a stray. We thought she may have been abandoned because of some physical problems; if so, whoever left her sure missed out! She's one of those sweet, goofy, dog-like cats who greets everyone at the door tummy-up, who comes trotting into the bathroom to pee whenever I do, and who purrs when I just talk to her in that certain tone of voice. I wish I could be half as well-adjusted as my cat.
3. What’s your favorite physical asset (don’t be shy!)?
   Probably my hair, despite the recent hack job DIY haircut. I finally had a hairdresser even it out. I was embarrassed, but she was kind. She even said, "Whatever you did … it's actually really not bad!"
4. How is your life different now from what you thought it would be at this point when you were 20?
   I didn't think I'd still feel like I was waiting for my real life to start, you know? I also have more understanding and respect for some older relatives now. Years ago, I saw the compromises they'd made, saw that their lives seemed less than totally fulfilling, and judged them as having sold out their dreams. Now here I am with almost none of my dreams from age 20 fulfilled. But I guess I'd rather be awake in my own life than asleep having wonderful dreams.
5. What was the last movie you saw in a theater?  What did you think?
   Gravity. Meh. In Sandra Bullock's first scene, I thought, She looks like she's grieving, and of course I empathized. But there were rave reviews about what a "strong female lead" her character was … hmm. How about a few more movies with REAL strong female leads, who don’t have to float around in their underwear and be coached into their strength by a man?
6. Name your guilty pleasure TV show.
   OK, this will make me sound like someone's hermit great-grandma, but I don't watch TV. Have never owned one. I watched it plenty as a kid, and I waste enough time online now as it is. During the insomnia after my miscarriage, though, I discovered free online streaming options and watched a whole season's worth of Downton Abbey in three nights. (Now I really sound like someone's great-grandma!)
7. (Shameless curiosity spurred on by the award rules) How many people follow your blog?  How long did it take you to build up your audience?  How’d you do it?
   Well, Blogger says I have 19 followers, but I know other people follow anonymously by email, etc. It's sort of mysterious. I've been at this for ten months now. I've connected with people by reading and commenting on a lot of blogs, participating in IcomLeavWe, and being listed in blogrolls. I really like connecting with anyone who can relate to something I write, but I never figured it would be a large audience. In fact, I've actually made some choices to limit the number of looky-loos who come here by accident, like choosing NOT to be listed in Google.
8. How often do you blog?
   When I need to. That's the bottom line. It feels like certain ideas are bubbling up, expanding, taking up more and more brainspace, and there's a sense of relief that comes from getting them out. I've probably averaged about two posts a week, but it really varies. I go through cycles of hibernating, then writing a bunch of stuff all at once. The more I write (even if they're rough drafts that aren't ready to post yet), the easier it is to avoid stagnation (which is good for me, as well as for any readers).
9. Does anyone in your "real life" know about your blog?
   A few friends and acquaintances read now and then, mostly women who are going through / have gone through similar things. A few others know that I blog but haven't asked for the address, and I haven't volunteered it.
10. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
    My stepdad, to exchange medical info about my mother. *sigh*
11. If you weren't answering this question right now, what would you be doing?
    I'd be making some dinner, but it can wait a few minutes.

Next up are my nominees and questions...

Merry Christmas

Just kidding! It's not happiness that offends me, just the pressure to put on a happy face, and that's mostly self-imposed. So as I get ready to go visit my mom in the nursing home, I'm trying to let go of expectations about how Christmas should be, without going into total Grinch Mode. I'm trying, guys:

Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate. However happy or hard this year has been, I hope that today brings you moments of joy and peace.