Moving On

Lately I can't seem to make decisions. Like, about anything. Maybe it started with burnout over medical choices, but now this indecision is filtering down to the smallest details.

In a store tonight, I was trying to decide which type of mouse toy to buy for my cat. There were only two choices, but the first style was kind of ugly, and the second style might be too small. It might get lost under furniture and doors. And who knew if my cat would think the first style was ugly just because I did? Also, BOTH types had small parts; could they come off and be a hazard?? No, probably not. But I still could not decide. I mean, what if I wasted $1.99 ON THE WRONG MOUSE?

Well ... what if I did? With that thought came laughter and instant release. I really don't have to obsess over every single thing, after all. I really can just toss the closest toy into my cart and move on, secure in the knowledge that my cat will be happy tonight and I won't have to waste any more brain cells on this choice. How refreshing.

After agonizing over last month's huge decision for a while, I'm finally moving on medically, too. I'm trying no-stim IVF with my other clinic again. They're the place that got me pregnant last winter. It was a scary choice, because this type of IVF goes against most conventional wisdom, but I think it's the right choice for me.

I've never responded well to stimulation, and the increased expense of full IVF just isn't worth the increased number of eggs produced (if any). More importantly, I'm afraid that the meds may harm what's left of my egg quality. Far better to have one good-quality egg than two bad ones at three times the price. Also, unlike IUI, IVF ensures that the sperm and egg meet. It bypasses problems with the egg entering the fallopian tube or the sperm penetrating the egg. Finally, I'd like to do genetic screening on the embryos, to help make sure that they're healthy before transfer.

This is going to be a long process. I'll do several cycles, do the testing, then—I'm hoping with all my heart—do an FET. Strangely, the fact that it will be a long process is making it feel less stressful, not more so.

The most stressful part is the commute. This clinic is in another state, and the drive there is at least a three-hour round trip (more if there are accidents) through two metro areas. Normally, I like driving. I've driven cross-country (2,000+ miles) several times, but this ... this just sucks. So I leave home at 5 AM to avoid the worst of the traffic. Thank God for audiobooks. They pass the time and calm me down. When I made this trek last winter, I was listening to The Worst Hard Time, a great book about the Dust Bowl and Depression. That sure put my stress into historical perspective!

five lanes going nowhere
(Yes, officer, I came to a complete stop before taking photos.)