Since a friend quoted that line recently, I've had it on my mind … and had to roll my eyes at my own melodrama.
Seriously, though, this April has been hard. I would have been more than halfway to full-term now, and everywhere there are reminders of what should have been. This crazy profusion of sunlight and flowers and babies outside in strollers—lovely as it is—is also jarring. It makes me feel out of step with the world.
No, it's no longer winter in my heart. Now I see my state of mind and heart reflected best in the thawing mess of very early spring—the conditions of about a month ago. Remember? The first buds were venturing out, and some didn't survive the frosty nights. The ground was still littered with last year's leaves, plus the mud that might someday allow something new to grow.
Last weekend I drove my mother to a nursery to pick out some new flowers for her yard. I didn't expect to buy anything there for myself, not quite yet. But there was one thing that caught my eye and ended up coming home with me:
No, I can't keep living in the past. I need to move on and make the next TTC decisions very soon. (More on that to come.)
But moving forward doesn't mean that I'll forget.
I think you describe where you are right now so beautifully. I'm glad it's spring in your heart...early spring, but with the promise that sometime soon, it will be summer. You're right, you will never forget, but there is such hope in your ability to move forward.
ReplyDeleteLove the idea of "forget me not" flowers!
ReplyDeleteYou're right, when you move on, moving forward, you don't have to give up your memories, nor to forget what happened. It is to survive on what you remember, yet to let go to try again. As Amelia (on another blog) said, giving up isn't the same as letting go.