I am a Walking Cliché

In the grocery store last night, I felt like a walking PMS cliché. I used one of the self-checkout machines so that no-one would see the contents of my basket: a pint of ice cream and a bag of chips, topped off by a Diet Pepsi (to magically cancel out the calories in the other stuff).

Do I actually have PMS? Who knows? My last period started 21 days ago … and then lasted for 16 days. After the miscarriage, I have no idea when it will reappear.

I'm just eating this junk because it's a small pleasure, and pleasures are scarce lately. Also, I was so very health-conscious for months without a break. I gave up coffee (which shocked my friends), gave up soda, gave up sugar and most carbs, ate more protein than ever before, drank more water, made fresh juice from organic vegetables, switched to a "natural" deodorant that worked half as well and cost twice as much … I was so careful. And what did it matter in the end?

I just came across this story, which really hit home:

At twelve weeks you are supposed to be safe … You have walked in the world differently and you have no idea how no one has noticed.  For weeks you have wanted everyone to know about the little life growing inside you but at the same time you have loved it being just you two … You have touched your non-existent belly to comfort the baby inside ... You have become a better person simply because THEY deserve a better person. You do everything you can … And then you find out nothing you did worked, nothing mattered. The spinach you ate, the walk you did briskly (but not too briskly), the vitamins you took, the good thoughts you made yourself think. All the love in your heart…

Someday I hope to have enough love for myself to take the actions I was willing to take for my child. Even now, I still do sometimes. The chips I bought last night were the tasteless kind with only five ingredients, for whatever that's worth. And tonight I bought veggies for juicing for the first time in a month. I really had mixed feelings about it. I haven't done anything with them yet except throw them in the fridge and shut the door.

Maybe tomorrow. One day at a time.