The Bitter End

After more than two weeks, the bleeding is finally over and this is it: the bitter end of pregnancy. I miss the bleeding. I'd actually rather have that sad reminder than nothing at all. The only good news is that it looks like I've managed to save $1,000+ by getting by without the D&C.

My doctor didn't recommend the "natural" route, and now, having taken it, neither would I. But my high-deductible health plan (no IF coverage) had a lot of deductible left, and I'd much rather spend that money on another IVF, because I must be a total masochist the first one did work, almost. I'm not ready to think about it yet beyond that point.

Also … it took a long time to get pregnant. My attitude was that if it took a little extra time to get un-pregnant, well, OK. Maybe a part of me needed to see the evidence before really believing it. I did fear the physical pain, which was intense, but the emotional pain and emptiness now are worse.

Now that the risk of hemorrhage is over, I don't have to be so careful physically. I can exercise. I may need to. At the start of the last cycle back in November, I noticed a new gym in my neighborhood that offers "fitness, fighting, and self defense." On a whim, I decided that if this cycle didn't work, I would sign up there and take out my anger on their punching bags instead of on my furniture, friends, and so on.

While that all sounds very badass, I remembered that I already have a gym membership I'm not using, because I'm researching protocols and driving four hours round-trip for treatments instead. So I might as well just go take one of the classes at the place I already know. Something different, though—no yoga (prenatal or otherwise) this time, but something with "Combat," "Attack," or "Xtreme" in its name.

Because, as disappointed and depressed as I am, I'm angry too. AM I ANGRY.