My Other Half

One of the tasks I've been putting off in recent weeks is picking another sperm donor (my "other half"). The one I've used most often, including last time, has been listed as "Temporarily Sold Out," which I've been hoping would change back to "Available" soon. But the status hasn't changed in weeks, and no expected release date has been added. Today I finally called to see what's going on.

And what an interesting call. As it turns out, they're going to pull him from the catalog due to ... wow, I'm still in shock here ... a higher-than-normal miscarriage rate—of which my miscarriage was one! There's no proof of any particular cause, but they've been investigating and have decided to err on the side of caution.

After this news, a bunch of thoughts crowded into my mind all at once:

• Maybe my bad eggs weren't the problem after all?
• Oh GREAT—maybe there's more hope for the next try!
• Oh NO—maybe there would have been hope for the last try, if only I'd made a different choice!
• How did they let this guy onto the catalog in the first place?
• Because there are always some unknowns. I picked this bank because they're reputable and keep track of data far beyond the initial BFP, and good thing they do.
• Good thing I reported my own pregnancy and loss.
• Now I'll have to pick someone else.

I'm afraid that some of the words above ("pick someone else") may sound flip, like I'm just changing a restaurant order when my favorite pizza toppings are sold out. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The words may be simple, but the process is intense, important, and deserving of a full post of its own ... some future day.